Finding Memories
by obsessedatopia
Summary: As Mariana finds the emotions of Zac's situation overwhelming, Stef gives her a shoulder to cry on. In awe of Mariana's growing maturity, Stef fears for her own abilities in being able to be all the things her growing children need but learns she has more advice than she thinks. *ONE SHOT* Missing scene set during finale (Spoilers up to and including 1x21)


**OK so this is another missing shot from the finale though this one is maybe more standalone from the story than my other two. **

**One of the things which I most loved about this part of the season was Mariana. She was a character that drove me crazy in 1A but her development throughout 1B is the perfect example of character growth and I loved it. I especially loved how mature and beautiful, although heartbreaking, her final scenes with Zac were. One thing I was therefore sad about was that we never got to see this storyline integrated with either of her Moms. I'd had a request for more bonding with Stef and the kids in FF and this missing part kind of popped into my head but then it sort of took on a life of its own. **

**Possibly a bit too deep as I've drawn on personal experience as well as invented some thoughts of Stef here. These are partly based on something Sherri Saum once said about how Stef and Lena just kind of stumble into the right things to do rather than knowing, but I also tried to pull on some of Stef's insecurities she voiced in the finale. I kinda like that idea because of the whole perfectly flawed thing. The idea that they may seem superhuman but really there's a whole lot of trial and error involved and their confidence does get knocked. As it comes from the right place though, it usually works out. I also completely invented a background but could easily fit into a head canon about her past. I hope that it works and that people enjoy it. I'll warn you that it does get a little heavy as it does talk about dementia and Alzheimer's.**

**Anyhow, I hope you like it. Thanks to _thesameguest _for reading my draft through and _TheTBone_ for the discussions!**

* * *

Most of the family had dispersed after the adoption party but Mariana had stayed back in the kitchen. She had become distracted by a string of texts from Zac. The final plans for meeting his Dad looked like they had come to fruition and despite the festivities of the day that had provided a distraction, the heaviness of the topic was now weighing on her. She had decided the kitchen was the best place to be alone right now and she was hoping the washing up might be therapeutic.

It wasn't.

All she could think about was that mark on Zac's face. The look in his eyes. The absent expression Amanda had the night of the ball and worst of all, the guilt that she deep down she knew didn't want him to go.

She tried to fight the tears back but she felt her lip quivering and the pressure building up around her sinus. She was going. Before she knew what was happening the plate slipped out of her hand with a plop into the bowl and her tiny frame collapsed down over the sink, one hand shaking as it held onto the side and the other supporting her now streaming face. The sobs were coming thick and fast and it wasn't long before she heard Stef's voice behind her.

"Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?" she asked soothingly, speeding over to wrap her body up in her own.

Mariana tries to speak but only inaudible pants and sobs came through some shallow breaths.

"Okay, okay..._shhh_. Let's get you away from this sink." Stef wiped the mess of bubbles that she'd smeared onto her face with a dish towel and removed the gloves she had on, Mariana barely able to see through the tears in her eyes.

"Let's get you over here and have a hug, huh?" Stef guided her to the breakfast nook rubbing her arm and holding her tight as Mariana tried to calm herself, heaving the tears back.

Stef secured herself in the corner, cuddling Mariana under her arm and pressing her head against her chest.

"_Shhh_ love. It'll be OK." she assured her, letting her calm down and making sure she felt as much contact as she could. She kissed her head as the cries slowed.

"You gonna tell me what's got you so upset?" she asked once they had just become the occasional sniff and whimper.

"It's...Zac." she blubbered out, her breath catching between the words. It was progress.

"Oh sweets." Stef rubbed her arm. She did have a suspicion. "He hasn't hurt you has he?"

"No." Mariana replied immediately.

"Well that's good, I don't have to add him to the hitlist, huh?" Stef tried to joke, squeezing Mariana's arm. Clearly not in the mood for jokes, Mariana sailed past the comment without acknowledgement.

"His Mom, she's really sick."

Stef's heart sunk a little, the last thing she had expected from Mariana's boy trouble was a serious concern.

"Oh honey." she soothed her, kissing her again. "Having to be a support for someone you care about can be a lot to take on." She tried to process coolly hoping she would hit the target for what was wrong. "Are you scared for him?"

Mariana gathered her voice a little more with another sniff.

"Yeah. She has early onset Alzheimer's."

Stef bit back her bottom lip, shaking her head. The poor kid. She couldn't imagine how difficult that must be, especially at such a young age. Her grandpa had had dementia and that was hard for her as a young adult and him at an old age.

"Oh baby." she caressed Mariana's cheek with her other hand, wiping her tear as she tried not to show the sadness in her own face.

"That's a tough disease." was all she could think to say. There was another moment of silence before Mariana began again.

"It was horrible. She flashes between thinking Zac's his Dad and gets really angry at him. Then she doesn't know who he is and..." he voice cracked again, the pressure building up. "she hit him with an iron!" Stef's eyes widened.

"Is he OK?" she immediately asked despite the sudden regret she may upset Mariana further.

"He just had a nasty mark." she replied quietly, moving her fingers to straighten Stef's collar.

"Sweetheart this is an awful lot to cope with alone. You know Zac can come to us if he needs help - we can help him." she shook her lightly. "There are lots of people who can give him advice."

"I know that." she sniffed. "He already has...now. We talked about it a lot."

Stef took a moment as she was consumed with a flash of pride and sorrow. Her poor baby had been taking on this huge responsibility, and poor Zac. She almost wanted to shake her for not coming for help but another part of her just wanted to squeeze the fear out of her.

"So...does he have a relative who is going to help look after him?" She decided to take the advice approach in the hopes that it may help guide her to the next steps without her having to ask for the help she clearly didn't think she needed. "I know it's important that he gets help for his Mom but you know at your age it's important not to try and take too much on yourself. These things can be more emotional than you realise, and you know there's always people to help."

"I know, that's what I told him." Mariana's voice was now a lot calmer although still heavy with sorrow. Stef instinctively gave her another squeeze with pride seeing she had clearly underestimated Mariana's pro-activeness already. Her little girl was growing so fast and learning so much. She was like a different person from the child she'd been not even a year ago.

"So he's going to move in with his Dad. In Arizona." her voice quivered gently as she said it. Suddenly even more of this made sense to Stef.

"Well that's just next door, right? I mean we can get there and back easily enough when you want to visit." she tried to comfort her, though knowing that it was a long shot. "There's lots to see in Arizona. There's the Grand Canyon! You've never been there."

"Is it bad though?" Mariana took a few more moments before whimpering out, the tears starting again.

"Is what bad, love?" Stef replied, creasing her eyebrows. Assuming she wasn't talking about the Grand Canyon, she'd lost her again.

"That I'm thinking about how much I'm gonna miss him, compared to what he's going through?"

Stef couldn't help but laugh, more out of the pressure of the situation but also because of the mixture of surprise and awe at the comment.

Mariana raised her head, a mortified look emanating from her watery eyes.

"My sweet, sweet, sweet girl." Stef cupped her cheeks, kissing her forehead multiple times before nuzzling her back into her chest.

"You are pretty exceptional, you know that?"

Mariana didn't respond, unsure of where this was going.

"You knew that getting help meant him going to Arizona, yes?" she asked.

Mariana barely replied but she felt the nod.

"And you still encouraged him to go, didn't you?"

"Uh-huh."

"And do you regret it?"

"Of course not, I just -"

"Then you listen to me." she squeezed her again to cut her off before she could finish. "What you did is the most selfless and loving thing you could have done for him. Do you have any idea how few people your age would be able to handle that kind of situation so maturely? I don't even think Mariana 6 months ago would have." she raked a hand through her daughter's hair.

"There is nothing wrong with missing someone in _any_ circumstances. It doesn't make it selfish or about you and it doesn't matter how bad a situation they're in. You can't feel guilty about what you feel - it just _is_ what you _feel. _It's how you act on it that matters. Not to mention that if you didn't care as much about Zac as you do then you wouldn't have been able to give him such caring advice. Honestly, I'd be more worried if you _weren't_ sad about him leaving."

Stef could feel Mariana's heart still beating heavily as she wiped another tear from her cheek. Her eyes were fixed across at the opposite end of the couch, her brain clearly still buzzing.

"You know what's also OK? That even though someone may be having a harder time than you, it's OK to still be sad about things. You know just because you want to be strong for your boyfriend doesn't mean you can't be affected by it too. It can't be easy for you to see his Mom like that." She looked down to her face even though Mariana wasn't quite ready to look back up. "Are you coping OK with it?"

"She's never hurt me if that's what you mean." Mariana replied, the quickness in response to a question that hadn't quite been asked giving away the fact that her mind did flip to the fear she'd felt when she had threatened her. "I mean, I guess I was a little confused. Sometimes she said things to me because she thought Zac was his dad and I was his mistress or something."

Stef bit down at her lip again, feeling an urge to kiss Mariana's head. She knew she was playing it down based on the fact she brought it up unprompted.

"Well that...that must have been kinda scary. Especially without anyone to talk to about it. You really should have told me." she prodded her playfully hoping it may ease the atmosphere a little for her just as much as Mariana. "You need to make sure you don't keep thing bottled up, honey. Our sole purpose in this world is to help you find your way through it."

"Everyone has just seemed so busy recently. I just thought I could handle it."

Stef held her a little tighter. "And you have! Which is amazing and wonderful and I'm so proud of you." She kissed her head again. "But that doesn't mean that you had to do it alone. We are never too busy to help you with something. Especially something as important as this."

"I know, I'm sorry." Mariana sniffed.

"You don't have to be sorry, love." She rubbed her arm again.

They sat in silence for a few more moments feeling relieved she had managed to calm her. What came next was a result she hadn't quite thought through in all of her reassurances.

"What do you think it's like for her? Do you think she suffers?"

Stef took a deep breath. Telling Mariana she could always come to her and wanting to be able to support her was all perfect in theory but it didn't mean she ever felt prepared with how to do so. She could cuddle her and kiss her for as long as was needed but the reality was that the older the children got, the harder their struggles were to fix.

She got distracted thinking of Callie's dad and Brandon's difficulties and her mind briefly thought back to the new baby coming. She was suddenly overwhelmed with that feeling that had always scared her as a parent. That she wouldn't be able to fix everything even though she had been doing it so long that it was second nature - somehow it still never got easier. Plus, the question Mariana had asked was in essence about someone Stef's age and the fear of what could happen as you grew older was never something she could easily handle. She had always tried to avoid growing up at all costs and had only reluctantly accepted doing so when life had dragged her into it, her kids doing that more than anything.

Having not had an answer yet, Mariana clarified her angle wish an unassuming whisper. "I mean, what must it be like to think you're in the past?"

Stef shook her head realising she had already left the silence too long. Now wasn't the time to share the depths of her own fears. She cleared her throat to answer.

"Yeah that's, that's kinda scary." She bit her lip unsure of where to go next. All she wanted was to be able to ease the burden Mariana had been carrying so nobly, but she once again had the familiar pang of wishing Lena was there to find the words. Seeing Mariana's expectant face she tried to find some level of consolation. "But maybe it's not as bad from the person's point of view. I mean, you see that her mind jumps around but she doesn't know that it's jumping. I'm not saying it's easy, but remember that she is in the present in her mind." She wasn't sure whether there was truth in her words or not but she knew she had to try and say something.

"I guess...like, it's hard for Zac to think she doesn't know him...but to not recognise her son doesn't hurt her because...she doesn't know she doesn't recognise him?" Stef smiled tentatively seeing that her comments were having some impact, as nervous as she was about the legitimacy of them. "Sort of, I think. And I know that it must be scary for her to not recognise him, which is why she lashed out - I can't imagine what that must be like - but if she has people to help her with it then she will hopefully get less scared. There's no good solution but there are better ones - and you've guided Zac to those better ones. I've no doubt about that." Stef breathed out through her mouth, relieved she had managed a satisfactory response without detection.

"But what about all of those happy things she's forgotten? I can't imagine losing my memories. I mean, what if you only forget the good ones and get stuck in the bad?" Mariana's eyes went distant as Stef felt a twinge of pain in her heart. She thought to how terrifying that thought must be for someone who'd had a traumatic childhood like her daughter.

She cleared her throat and began to twirl the young girl's hair. She realised that maybe trying to avoid the grit of the situation may not be the best method after all. This whole experience was teaching her how much Mariana had grown and protecting her from reality, as much as she was desperate to, seemed pointless given the circumstances. She didn't have all of the answers, but she did have her own experience and if she could give her something that showed she could relate to her then it may help to ease her fears.

"You know my grandpa had dementia for a little while before he died."

Mariana looked to her, a little sorrow in her eyes but urging her on.

"We had to put him in a nursing home in the end and I'd go visit him. Sometimes he was completely gone. He didn't know what day it was, what time it was. Some days he'd just stare at the wall and I wasn't sure whether he knew who I was at all. Some days I'm sure he didn't. He'd talk like his parents were alive or ask when my grandma was coming to visit even though she'd died a few years before."

"Was that not really hard to see?" Mariana crinkled her forehead as Stef thought back.

"Some days, yeah. Really hard. You know, I would think back to the times we had together and it made me sad to think he didn't remember them, that they weren't in his mind anymore even though they were so important to me."

Mariana waited patiently hoping there must be something positive to come from this story. Stef looked deep inside, reawakening those difficult times but also finding the strength that kept her going at the time.

"But you know, there were some days when his eyes would light up when I arrived. He still didn't know what day it was or how long he'd been there, but he knew me. Somewhere he did." Her eyes watered as she gave a faint smile, the memories clearly coming back. "And then I'd show him pictures of Brandon, pictures of when I was younger, and he'd smile and it would almost make me cry right there, but the important thing was, whether he could always access them or not - those memories were there somewhere. They had been part of his life, whether he knew them or not. They still made him smile. I don't think you can only remember the bad and not the good. Maybe I'm just optimistic, but the important thing is making the memories, having the experience. Your body still remembers the happiness, whether it remembers what caused it or not."

She realised as she was talking that this was true for herself as well, how it was always easy to remember the bad in a situation but forget how happy the good could make you as a contrast and that was true with all of this. She may be finding situations harder to grasp and harder to control, but all that meant was the little victories within them seemed sweeter. Mariana sniffed wiping a tear, reminding Stef of her presence from her temporary trip into the vaults of her mind. It alerted her back to the present and the other important things she'd learned over the years.

"And I can wish that he had been alive to meet you and Jesus and to have met Lena...although _that_ would have been an interesting conversation." She almost laughed, the true threat of what it may have actually done to her father's father luckily no more than a hypothetical scenario.

"But sometimes life has other plans, and I'd much rather focus on making new memories. Right?"

Mariana nodded.

"And I don't think your memories with Zac are over either." Stef whispered delicately in her ear, now fully finding her stride after her minor confidence blip. "Maybe it won't be what you hoped, but if there's something there that you want to fight for then it'll happen. Everything else is just circumstances. Sometimes things will keep you apart and sometimes things aren't meant to be - but only time will tell those things."

With a final sniff Mariana wiped her face again. Stef kissed her ear, lingering for a moment at the relief that not only did she think this had helped Mariana but also the feeling of comfort from her own reflections.

"You feeling a little better?" she whispered as her daughter cleared her throat and nodded again.

"Good. Because I was going to have some more cake without Mama knowing and I'd rather not be the only one in trouble." She added with a wink as Mariana smiled through a laugh. She took the sight in for a moment, savouring the unexpected relief the talk had granted her.

"I'll join you in a minute." Mariana replied as Stef finally heaved herself off the sofa and headed to the kitchen, patting her side as she moved.

Mariana got her phone out and looked at the picture of her and Zac on the wallpaper. She smiled for a moment and sent him a text.

"You know what will be awesome? Having a picnic by the Grand Canyon!" she texted with a smile, wiping her last tear away.

Her Mom was right - now was the time to make the memories, wherever they would be made.

**So...what did people think? Please leave a review if you have the time and/or so desire :)**


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